In less than 24 hours the Iowa Caucus will set the tone for the rest of the Presidential Primaries—predicting which candidates will rise in the key swing states and which candidates will end up in the dust. We’re not the only country slogging through divisive elections this year—but somehow we are one of the few that are lucky enough not to go up in (literal) flames about it.

“I probably can’t talk to you much for another day or so,” my brother says to me—tirelessly working on a certain campaign I never would have been impressed with had he not enlightened me.

“Did you read this though?” I tell him. “Mitt Romney said that, if he had been president, ‘he would have gathered information from "our C.I.A. bureau chief in Islamabad." He means station. Idiot.” I say, briefly scrolling through news clippings.

"If I were running for office I would heavily invest in proof-readers," my brother adds.

My eyes cast down to snippets on Kenya. Just days earlier I had been impressed with voters who stood, at the crack of dawn, in endless cues waiting to vote on their Presidential elections only to have those votes abducted and re-cast in favor of the incumbent.

I shake my head. Benazir Bhutto assassinated. Kenya in flames—people burnt alive while seeking shelter in a church. D.R.Congo still trying to get Guerilla soldiers out of the jungle. Mugabe will protest elections in Zimbabwe until it is guaranteed he will win. Awesome. Georgia went into a state of emergency and demanded earlier elections than planned—see ya later Saakashvili . Russia’s elections just basically moved Putin around to rule by other means (“of COURSE I was voted Time’s person of the year. Psh.”). As Japan prepares for general elections they have interestingly stipulated that: “Candidates can be endorsed only if they are judged likely to win from opinion survey results and other data.”

Uhh…..what’s the other data? Seems like that might be key to understanding upper and lower house elections….but I can’t find any evidence of what that data actually is.

“We’ve tapped their phone calls and nope, this candidate is NOT going to win. NO ONE interesting calls that guy. He’s out.”

In Lebanon “The government and the opposition have agreed on Suleiman as the man for the job, but remain at odds over the election process and the shape of a new administration.”

Question: If both the government AND the opposition want one man to rule--- why have elections? Oh yes—because Hizbollah wants to appear ahem…fair.

Not to be left out, while Hillary traced Guilliani’s track through Iowa, the northern India region of Assam broke out in deadly riots as well. Though of course, it’s India and let’s not ask any of the candidates where Assam might be and what they'd do about it if they were President. We already have Hillary joking that she’s from Punjab. And McCain sings “Bomb Iran” to Beach Boy tunes. Funny, yes. Diplomatic? Not so much. And I like both Hillary and McCain.

We’re one of the few places on earth where you won’t be bludgeoned to death, put on a hit list, kidnapped, exploited or otherwise denied any meaning to your vote, and yet very few of us even bother with the ballots. Myself included.

A few years ago I squirmed in a public policy class as our professor asked for whom each of us had voted. He went one by one around the entire room. We’d watched the debates at his HOUSE for cryin’ out loud….and I sat there with nothing to say.

“What do you mean you didn’t vote?” he said leaning toward me.
Oh the shame. My father would die.
“Look I couldn’t vote on the lesser of two evils…and I….”
My prof shook his head and I shook mine in agreement.

Pathetic. I know. Should’ve borrowed one of those “I voted” stickers to hide it.